Losing My Heart and Soul

Malia is now six and Elijah is five.
My daughter Sarah and the father of the children  were terminated as parents. Addiction, neglect and not cut out to raise children.
I took in the kids when they were babies. I raised them on my own for four years. I suffer from schizoeffective disorder, agoraphobia, generalized anxiety disorder and OCD.
Schizoeffective is bipolar with delusions. I’m controlled with many medications but still have a rough time.
My grandchildren mean the world to me. I did my damndest to keep their lives happy, healthy and stable, while I was mentally ill and struggling myself.
Social services was involved from the start. I was in the process of adopting them myself.
However… their drunken mother would show up and display drunken behaviour. The kids would then be confused and emotionally distraught. I made the impossible choice to end any kind of a relationship with their mother forever. I put them up for an outside adoption. It tore apart my life, heart and soul. I spent many hours in therapy over grieving my loss…
Working with social services we found the perfect family for Malia and Elijah. After a year of extreme confusion, the kids have adjusted and are thankfully very happy.
I still get to talk to them, send them poems and gifts, and they also send me letters and pictures.
I went thru all the stages of grief and finally reached acceptance.
It was the worst and unhappiest year of my life…
The kids are doing excellent in school and have young parents to do things with. She’s a stay at home mom and he’s in the air force. Malia and Elijah have two sisters and a brother now. I’m happy to say they are happy!! It still breaks my heart to think of them…I guess that will never go away.
Malia and Elijah are healthy, adjusted and living their new life.
I found out yesterday the military is relocating the family to Georgia. That is a long way from Denver and breaks my heart all over again. I will survive. The matter of utmost importance is that Malia and Elijah continue to thrive and enjoy their new lives. I’m grandma and always will be. I love the kids and keep them with me in my mind.
Its sad to say but I’m glad they can’t see what horrible shape Sarah is in. She is with me right now. My boyfriend is out of state so Sarah is sleeping here.


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