Glimpse in to INSANITY….

I penned this down about my    Schzisoeffective  disorder.
I’ve heard and seen too many delusions to add to this script .
I have lived this way for over 30 years.
It was difficult to relive and put my sickness into words.
There is no rhyme or reason.
It’s just what is is….

Mental disability, what an epigram
It bounds buried in complexity
Titter inside hysterical effectuation
Feeling electrical currents shorting in my brain

Screaming unremembered prayers in my night terrors at the devils fornication
Remaining in my presence, anticipating my sleep

    Booze to reverse the horror

Waking day dreams, lost in semi-reality
Descry vociferation yelling my name
Wanting to claw my out my eyes against nebulous  shadows lurking behind
Needing a medium to banish  all apparitions invading my space

Paranoid of all establishment

When securing eyes with others- they deciphering my every thought
With binoculars my neighbors surveiled
Me camouflaged with thick drawn shades, and sunless skin
To go out summoned my outdoor demons, safer behind the curtains
Needed to do battle , wage war to fulfill some morbid desire
Annililating  hordes in my dreams by any means

Aspiring to impossible heights, seemingly greater than God
Retiring to cureless depths, ideation of a rope

Booze to numb the madness

OCD for a little control
A million times repeated thoughts, flashing thru my tired head
Confusion… what day is this
Am I doing something wrong

A rap at the front door finds me heading for cover under the desk
Quivering in my hideout  – just go away

Not glancing in mirrors, afraid of who will be looking back, hiding from myself

Leaping out of my skin at the tiniest unexpected noise

Garbled, gutteral utterances in my left ear.   Hot breath on my neck
Permanent shadows camped out darkly, behind me – turn, and they’re not there

Bawling at any spontaneity – not in my scheme and may cause panic

Wanting to pull my skull off
        Exposing the insanity
        Just needing it to STOP

Booze to reverse the derangement

Limbs not answering brain waves
Hard to move and concentrate
On a daily basis surviving hell
On a nightly basis in true hell

Needing to shriek and explode
Afraid to sleep
Walking in exhausted dreams
Broken pain in my bones
No peace day or night…

It took years to get them right but medication saved my life ….


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