Her Essence

Her Essence

I miss her so much that my heart feels torn . She’s gone
I know i will never see that sweet smile on my little girls face again. She’s gone
I will never hear “Ma”, drunk or sober
I will never get to laugh with her again. She’s gone
I won’t live her struggles and triumphs anymore
I won’t be able to stroke her hair and smell her
I’ll miss the little gap between her teeth
She is gone
She came from my body, her essence is my body
She is with me always because she is a part of me
She is here
Peace, tranquility, warmth

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Grasping At Straws

Grasping vagrancy in one’s child
A simplistic act is not
Fractured maternal heart bleeds wild
Suffered soul, the abyss caught
Crucible remains defiled

Futile remedy, ailment breeds
Posturing all heedless things
Neglecting primal earthly needs
Harsh inebriant trappings
Averse entirely lucid pleads

Clamping malady straining chest
Wakeful blackness, vanished days
Clutched wee suckling babe at breast
Cast tears, enduring malaise
Reflection of having caressed

Tragic sustenance chosen, vile
Sighted, resolved not to see
Relentless self imposed exile
Indifferent to love me
Offer life to capture one smile

Grasping at straws, simple is not
Cognizant if safer spot
An alternative to beguiled
Alter processes of thought
Desperate and need to know she fought

B.G. Bradley

Eiber&Wein Publishing

I just received a letter that my poem “Grasping At Straws” has advanced to the next round of judging. If it’s published it will be in an anthology “Who’s Who in American Poetry”.
They have published my poem “In Full Bloom” in another anthology. It was the first work to get published, other than self publishing. It would be an honor if they publish “Grasping At Straws” but it would be a thrill to win the 3,000 dollar prize money.
I’ve put my poetry on the back burner. I’ve submitted 51 queries, for my thriller series, in three days and I’m continuing to work on the third book in my trilogy. I’ve got 52,000 words and the first and second book have right around 75,000. I still have a lot to do, but wish me luck with the poem…..:-)

B.G. Bradley

Glimpse in to INSANITY….

                Prologue
I penned this down about my    Schzisoeffective  disorder.
I’ve heard and seen too many delusions to add to this script .
I have lived this way for over 30 years.
It was difficult to relive and put my sickness into words.
There is no rhyme or reason.
It’s just what is is….

Mental disability, what an epigram
It bounds buried in complexity
Titter inside hysterical effectuation
Feeling electrical currents shorting in my brain

Screaming unremembered prayers in my night terrors at the devils fornication
Remaining in my presence, anticipating my sleep

    Booze to reverse the horror

Waking day dreams, lost in semi-reality
Descry vociferation yelling my name
Wanting to claw my out my eyes against nebulous  shadows lurking behind
Needing a medium to banish  all apparitions invading my space

Paranoid of all establishment

When securing eyes with others- they deciphering my every thought
With binoculars my neighbors surveiled
Me camouflaged with thick drawn shades, and sunless skin
To go out summoned my outdoor demons, safer behind the curtains
Needed to do battle , wage war to fulfill some morbid desire
Annililating  hordes in my dreams by any means

Aspiring to impossible heights, seemingly greater than God
Retiring to cureless depths, ideation of a rope

Booze to numb the madness

OCD for a little control
A million times repeated thoughts, flashing thru my tired head
Confusion… what day is this
Am I doing something wrong

A rap at the front door finds me heading for cover under the desk
Quivering in my hideout  – just go away

Not glancing in mirrors, afraid of who will be looking back, hiding from myself

Leaping out of my skin at the tiniest unexpected noise

Garbled, gutteral utterances in my left ear.   Hot breath on my neck
Permanent shadows camped out darkly, behind me – turn, and they’re not there

Bawling at any spontaneity – not in my scheme and may cause panic

Wanting to pull my skull off
        Exposing the insanity
        Just needing it to STOP

Booze to reverse the derangement

Limbs not answering brain waves
Hard to move and concentrate
On a daily basis surviving hell
On a nightly basis in true hell

Needing to shriek and explode
Afraid to sleep
Walking in exhausted dreams
Broken pain in my bones
No peace day or night…
    OH GOD HELP ME!!!

It took years to get them right but medication saved my life ….